Words are not enough

What do you say when a friend is hurting? How can you show them you care without it being painfully obvious that there is no way you could possibly understand?

Today, a friend will wake to a world that is completely different to the world he lived in two days ago. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to speak to him...everything I can think of to say sounds so shallow, so inappropriate, so completely insufficient.

Part of me wants to rationalise:
He needs time to be with family.
He doesn't want to deal with calls from friends who don't know what to say, leaving him in the position of having to reassure them that their fumbled words are welcome.
I don't want to bother him.

Deep inside I know that it's rubbish. I'm afraid of this feeling of helplessness. I am afraid I would say the wrong thing and make it worse.

So instead of reaching out and letting him know I'm thinking of him, I sit alone in my office and cry.

I cry because I am helpless.
I cry because I remember those I have lost.
I cry because I am shocked...I knew his father was sick but I believed he would recover.

Mostly though, I cry for Jude. Sometimes, it's all you can do.

Maybe one day I can offer him comfort. But not today.

Thump!

Today I hit Earth in a big way. I'm not having fun anymore.

Have you ever had a few weeks in your life where you completely lost touch with reality? I have. Today it ended in a big way and I'm left with the choas I have caused while I was in la-la land. Frankly, I wish I knew what drug it is that I took because  I would like a refill. Reality sucks.

I'm not so sure when it happened, I suspect it was a response to Mandy and James changing their plans and, given that I had no plan to fill the void with, my psyche just downed tools and left for a few weeks vacation in the land of Oz. While on its travels my brain was convinced that:

Money grows on trees and ,should I need any, I can just sweep some up from the nearest garden.
Candy makes me thinner.
Planning is for suckers. Life will turn out just peachy without my help.
If I slack off at work, the Admin Elves will come in to my office late at night and do my job for me.
The Gods of the Internet will make sure that my blog writes itself.

The result of this dementia-adventure was that my bank account is more empty than it has been in years, I've completely abandoned my diet in favor of fudge and Xmas mince pies, my Intray looks worse off than ever, I am still on square one with OCC and my neatly packed boxes have exploded into a bigger mess than when I started clutter control.

I have no doubt that I will be able to fix this mess, but it will require a lot of work - which is something I have forgotten how to do. Case in point: I am writing this instead of working.

Shame on me.

Sweet Story

So, I took a bit of a blogging-break. I have been playing with my new favorite-toy-of-all-time and working hard to clear my intray in preparation for today. I am currently at The School entering marks for end of year reports. I'm kinda finished with what was here and am now bored stiff waiting for more marks to come in. I am considering reading 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. I miss my real job. However, after spending a huge amount of money on unexpected customs charges I need every penny I can get so I need to sell my leave time to the highest bidder.

I expect that there will be a great deal of work waiting for me when I return to my real job.

In other news, absolutely nothing has happened in my life (unless you consider losing 100g important). Yes, you heard right...I now weigh 84.9kgs.
The weekend was very uneventful: we did a Magic Tourney for the first time in ages, had Cartoon Mania Movie Night* and went swimming on Sunday. So basically, a bit of a snorefest.

Wait a minute...

Woohoo! I found a new toy to play with - a digital camera!

Look, it's my Franklin Planner!



Just a while ago one of the pupils came in and gave Darius some heart shaped sweets, a coke and a bar-one. Isn't that nice? I wish people would walk into my office and hand me candy. Some people have all the luck.


But it's okay - I stole his candy so it's all good now.


*Cartoon mania movie night: Madagascar - best bit: 'Magical Pixie Horse', Robots - best bit: 'The Flying Widget', Shark Tale - best bit: none, it sucked. I fell asleep.

Mmmmm...overpriced organisation tools, my favorite!

UPS may be Psychomuffins-enemy-number-1 right now but, my package has finally arrived. I've wanted a Franklin Planner from the moment I saw them...now I have one.

 

I'm going home to fondle it now...see you Monday.

Orgasmic Joy!

It's out of customs....yes!!!!

Meet the Folks...and their brothers, sisters, aunties, uncles, dogs, cats...

The Silly Season approaches rapidly, and with it a host of birthdays, weddings, christenings and bridal showers. In the spirit of my favorite time of year, I thought it would be a good moment to introduce you to my family.

For those of you who know me, you will have realised that I have a large, 'Partridge Family' type deal. MY family is fabulous - a huge heap of love, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, turkey and birthday cards. My family set-up is a little daunting for Darius 'cause his Christmas Card List reads : Mother, Father, Psychomuffin. That's it. Not even a token uncle. Nothing. It makes me a bit sad for him. Anyway, Darius has been attending family get-togethers with me for about 7 years now and he STILL doesn't remember how my family fits together. Chances are that I will be talking about my relatives a lot in the coming weeks so I thought I'd give everyone a head start on getting to know them.



I have confined this discussion to family that I regularly have contact with - there are others: stepsiblings, my stepmum's family etc. but I thought I'd make this as easy on you as possible.

Doug and Olive (Gramps and Gran) had three children Meryl, Lyn (my mom) and Phil. Meryl married Ray and had 2 girls: Kate and Raewyn. Phil married Kathy and had 2 children: Gareth and Robyn.

Now it gets complicated.

Lyn married John (my dad) and had one child: Me. Lyn divorced John. Lyn married Rob and had one child: James (my brother). Rob died. Lyn married Basil. Basil was a nutjob. Lyn divorced Basil. John married Annaly.

Olive died many years ago, our family is lost without her and her delicious cookies.

Kate grew up and married Marc, they had two children: Joshua - 2 and a half and Elizabeth - 3 months. Raewyn is engaged to Brendan. Their wedding is on December 16. Darius and I have been together so long, as far and the family is concerned he's one of us.

I don't see my father very often, I love him dearly, but he lives far away and has his own life.

Summary

There are four generations,

Head of family: Doug

Parental units: Meryl and Ray, Phil and Kathy, Lyn.

The Cousins: Kate and Marc, Raewyn and Brendan, Darius and Me, Gareth, Robyn and James.

The Kids: Joshua and Elizabeth.

Hmmm, when I look at this lot I can't help but think...Christmas is gonna be expensive.

Stay tuned for a blockbuster edition : My Family Vol. 2

Don't be frightened - it's just an area code...

Before you ask...yes, my package is still in customs. It was only because I got fed up and phoned UPS that I found out that for some reason they regard telephone numbers in international format as invalid. Obviously the +27 scared them...morons. And not having my phone number is grounds for holding a package in customs for eternity.

 

Grrr.

 

Other than that, today has been fine. I'm in Office Automaton Mode again. I am feeling unchallenged. I need someone to need experimental treatment so I have something to fight with a medical scheme over. At the moment work is boring. With a capital BORING.

 

I think I will go pick a fight with a call-centre agent for no reason...I need the diversion.

Still packageless

My Beloved has brought to my attention that I forgot to mention that I also went swimming at the gym for the first time on Sunday. I must admit it was great....until Darius and I decided to see who could swim further on one breath. Turns out that salt water is fine when the water goes over your eyes as in normal swimming, but, if you look foward as you swim the salt water causes temporary blindness and extreme pain. Ouch. He and I looked like alchoholics all afternoon - bloodshot eyes and pained expressions.

As for my package...turns out it wasn't so much 'in transit to PMB' as 'in transit to another desk at customs'. Yup, it's still awaiting some new kind of clearance. So far the score is:

Utah to South Africa (via Germany) = 2 days
Inside customs to outside customs = 5 days and counting.

Otherwise, I have returned from writing my last exam, so I am officially on (study) vacation until 13/12 when results come out.

Work Avoidance 101

I'm back at work, desperately trying to finish my to-do list so that I can focus on studying for my last exam tommorrow. I think I haven't worked as hard as I should have for this one, but the subject is not that tough so I figure I'll do just fine.

Stuff I did this weekend:

1. Bought a brand new, razor sharp, REALLY expensive knife. I love it more than anything else right now. Except, maybe, my package - which is in transit from Joburg as we speak (thanks once again to ups.com).

2. Went to see 'House of Flying Daggers'. Mmmmm, I love Chinese movies. Plot got a little fuzzy at times but it was very pretty.

3. Went to Hilton to my cousin Kate's birthday. Had braai. Was scrummy. Baby was really, really, really cute. Joshua was really, really, really upset. He is not handling having a new baby sister very well.

4. Bought rolling pin. Took rolling pin home. Broke rolling pin. Returned rolling pin.

5. Started playing 'Adventures in Typing with Timone and Pumba' - way more interesting than all those adult typing tutors.

 

All of that while I should have been doing consructive things like studying. Oh well.

Around the world in 2 days...and then in customs for 80.

Okay I should be learning for exam on Tuesday, so I'l keep this brief, but I have to say...I love the net!

 

I've been having a wonderful time watching my Christmas present winging it's way accross the world courtesy of the UPS online tracking service. It's like my package has it's own blog!

 

So far it's been to : Salt Lake City, Utah; Louisville, Kentucky?; and Koeln, Germany. It finally reached Joburg this morning and is presently stuck in customs. Typical.

 

*insert anguish here - as I realise that my package is more widely travelled and worldly than I am*

Puny morals! You are no match for my l33t 'action item' destroying skillz!

I am Super-Productive Girl today. Tremble before my enormous Inbox-emptying powers! Mwahahaha!

Um, now that I've got that out of my system...

If my day carries on this well I may be able to get some OCC stuff done this afternoon...my goal: finish the categories so I can start making goals and to-do lists and stuff. Colour coding and charts and, if I'm really good, maybe even checklists - yay!

I love my life.

Bottled Sunshine

Operation Bench Press seems to be back on track...I lost 900g this week, putting me at 85kg. A definite improvement after last week's dismal showing.

I am still showing no results on OCC though, work is taking priority during the day and Dan Brown at night leaving no time for important stuff. Stephen Covey would not be impressed. I am still trying to develop some kind of framework to organise my life by, in order to catergorise my goals and plans. I have a couple of problems with the whole process though:

1. Every time I come up with a division system ( Friends and Family, Home, Money etc. ) I come up with something that doesn't fit or fits in more than one category.
2. Uncertainty in my future. A lot of my plans for the upcoming year hinge on how Darius feels about his new position at The School and this leaves me rather unsure as to what my short-term priorities should be. Basically, I'm not sure whether I should be planning for a local move and settling in for a few more years in PMB or whether I should be preparing for a job hunt and moving away.
3. I am not sure what it is I want to do in the long/medium term. I am studying, which is good but I'm not sure what I eventually want to do in the field, which is bad. This also buggers my priorities because I'm not sure what I should do now to better my chances of getting what I ultimately want, mainly because I'm not sure what that is.
4. As for career moves: Psych doesn't really have any entry-level jobs that pay enough for me to support myself on. If anyone has ideas on this, please let me know.

All of my problems seem to stem from my basic approach, which is kind of like reverse-engineering my life. I like to do things by deciding what it is I want/need and then working out a plan to get it. Nice strategy, I thought. Until I realised that I am not nearly as clear on my wants as I thought, making it really hard to formulate any kind of plan. Drat.

In other news:

Can you guess where I was at 10:30 last night? Sleeping? Reading Dan Brown? Watching TV? If you had been paying any attention to this blog you would know the answer: making a complete tit of myself by running round and round a tree in the middle of the park trying to catch my cat. Stupid cat.

I bought myself a Christmas present. It arrives in 2-5 working days. I am trying not to think about it or I won't be able to do anything else. I am SOOOOO excited.

Did I mention that I STILL haven't started learning for Psych102?

Any suggestions for a small, lightweight wedding present? My cousin is coming to SA for her wedding in December and will need to take gifts back to Ireland. Everything you can get here can be bought in Ireland, so until they learn to bottle sunshine I'm out of ideas.

Not so sucky day

You'll be glad to know I'm in a MUCH better mood today. The fog has lifted.

So - my weekend. I did go to that family-gathering-guy-fawkes-thing on Friday night. Not many of the family came, so it was just me, D-man, my brother, my mum, my uncle and my aunt. We had a good laugh, my mom drank to much wine and my brother set off fireworks and enraged the neighbours. I got custard slice so it's all good as far as I am concerned.

Saturday was spent shopping (pretty new swimming towels and caps for gym), and going to Baby Benjamin's birthday party. Aaah cuuuute! I could feel my ovaries going like popcorn poppers. After that it was off to a room in the scariest building on campus for some Star Wars roleplaying. We had an absolute blast! Just my kind of roleplaying sesh - giggles and fun characters. Plot? What's that?

Sunday was spent sleeping off roleplaying, shopping and helping James and Mandy sort the stuff they have stored in our garage. I pity them. The whole move looks like a pain. I'm still concidering my options as far as moving goes, so it'll probably be a few months before we have to do the same.

Last night, after 'Grinch Day', I curled up in bed reading 'Angels and Demons' by Dan Brown. Fab.

If all goes well I plan on learning today and maybe squeezing in a couple of minutes for OCC. Nothing too dramatic really. So long as the weigh-in at gym doesn't go badly today is shaping up to be a great day. The sun's even out for the first time in, what feels like, weeks. Splendid.

Sucky Day

I turned into a dragon this morning. I'm grouchy. I'm tired. I have a headache. I hate everyone. I hope no-one important phones today because so far my track record for being polite to people is less than sterling. I just want to go home and go to bed.

Stuff that is annoying me:

The cordless phone is beeping 'cause it's running out of charge. The charger is upstairs. I don't feel like walking up there.
None of the documents I requested last week for work stuff have arrived.
My coffee has gone cold.
Did I mention I have a headache?
Gmail refuses to load.
I haven't had a chance to study and I have an exam next Tuesday.
My email keeps having errors.
I can't think of enough problems in my life to satisfy Tony Robbins. He asks you to name 4 things you have been putting off - I can only think of 3.
I accidentally changed the keyboard settings and I keep on typing funny symbols.
The phone won't stop ringing.

Today sucks. Tommorrow may be better, but I won't count on it.

Wanted: My skirt. Reward offered.

Well, I'll be damned. I have no idea where my dark blue skirt is. I've searched my home, my mom's home, my car - nothing. How does a skirt just vanish? Hopefully Mandy will send a little of her voodoo 'Find Item' powers my way 'cause I'm stumped.

 

Had a nice evening yesterday after work. Went to gym. Chatted to gym people: Scott, Ange, Cousin Kathy and uber-instructor Wendy. Went home. Made instant food. Watched CSI while Dman went to give Justin a lift home. Watched House (my new favorite show) and ate instant food. Slept. Might not sound like a 'laugh a minute' evening but I was just what I needed. This evening I must be social, however. The family are gathering for an early Guy Fawkes thing which I will attend (if only to voice my disapproval, yet again, at the use of fireworks - will these barbarians never learn?). Tommorrow is Baby Benjamin's birthday party and there is a chance we may roleplay for the first time in ages. Woo Hoo!

 

Today I have sworn that I will find the time to complete my Tony Robbin's assignment. I am lacking motivation and I could use the pick-me-up.

Panda Bear Madness Minute

I am desperately trying to stay afloat here at work. Every year I forget what a madhouse this place becomes around this time of year. I have made so many phonecalls today my left ear is bright red and I if I have to listen to my scanner scan one more page I may quit and run away with the circus.

Seriously though, I am feeling a little down today. There is an old lady who hs been a client of ours for years. She phones often to ask for help with her medical stuff and, unlike most people, really appreciates the help we provide. A really lovely woman. Anyway, she has been planning a trip overseas to visit her children for about a year now and every time I've spoken to her she has sounded so excited. Lately though, she has started to sound breathless and frail. I found out today that she has been told by her doctor that her lungs are filling with fluid and that this is the beginning of cardiac failure. She is trying SO hard to rest and make sure she is well enough to make her trip in two weeks but, to tell the truth, I don't know if she will make it. It just makes you re-evaluate your priorites, y'know? Speaking to her has just made me think twice about ever moving away from my family - they are the most important thing to me and I wouldn't trade them for all the shopping/travel/etc. in the world. My heart just breaks for her, and her children.

Anyway, leaving that depressing stuff behind...

I found out why Mandy stalled on at this point in Personal Power 2. The assignment is HARD and with my current workload I just don't have time. Hopefully I'll get a break soon. I fear I will have to use it for studying for Psych102 in 2 weeks though so I'm having trouble keeping my goal-making momentum. I'm sure I'll get back on track, and if not, I'll just take the phone of the hook and lock myself in the office for a week or so.

Watched 'Win a date with Tad Hamilton' last night - for the second time ( I know - LOSER! ) Best bit: 'Guard your carnal treasure!'

BTW - If you don't get the title of today's post, you don't watch enough South Park. Shame on you.

Distracted? Huh?

Horror! I weighed myself yesterday and even though I knew I had cheated a lot in the past week (far to many dinners/lunches out) I was not prepared for this. I've shot up from a comfortable 85.1 to 85.9! That's almost a kg in a week! I am disgusted with myself. Otherwise, mostly just work lately - not much to report. I'm slowly working my way through Tony Robbin's Personal Power 2 which is going quite well. I guess I'm a bit distracted lately, mainly because I'm having to make some tough decisions about where my life is headed. I am sorry I missed my post yesterday - I'll try make sure that's the last time.